“People say you can't live without love. I think Oxygen is more important” - Anonymous. |
“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can
spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.”
-
Lana Turner
|
“A man doesn't know what he knows until he knows what he
doesn't know.”
-Laurence J. Peter |
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
-
Oscar wilde
|
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did–in
his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.”
-
Bob Monkhouse
|
“I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking
the locks, they are always locking three.
-
Elayne Boosler
|
“First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a
disease named after me.”
-
Steve Martin
|
“My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to
finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a
chocolate cake. I feel better already.”
-
Dave Barry
|
“I
am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate
plants.”
-A. Whitney Brown
|
“Life
is like a luscious chocolate cake. Unfortunately, most of us are diabetic.”
- Anonymous. |
“Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.”
- Mark Twain |
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
- Jim Carrey |
“I found there was only one way
to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
- Rodney Dangerfield |
“There are only three things women need in life: food,
water, and compliments.”
- Chris Rock |
“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred
people changed their religion.”
- Fred Allen |
“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level
and beat you with experience.”
-Greg
King
|
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become
happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.”
-Socrates
|
“I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So
I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.”
-Emo
Philips
|
“God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.”
-Ethel
Mumford
|
“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its
value every year. I told him, “At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
-Claude
Pepper
|
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.”
-Al
Mcguire
|
“Men
marry because they are tired, women because they are curious; both are
disappointed.”
-Oscar Wilde
|
“They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder
and lightning.”
- Clint Eastwood |
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
- Erma Bombeck |
“I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.”
- Walt Disney |
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to
live in an institution?”
- H. L. Mencken |
“Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life.”
- Brooke Shields |
“Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching
them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down
and shut-up.”
- Anonymous.
|
“America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and the other half is spent trying to lose weight.”
-Anonymous
|
“My life needs editing.”
- Mort Sahl |
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.”
-Miles
Kington
|
“I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing
a change of underwear.”
- Woody Allen |
“God Made Man, Man Made Money, Money Made
Man Mad.”
- Anonymous.
|
“I was asked to name all the presidents. I thought they already had
names.
- Demitri Martin
|
“I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so
they won't think something's wrong with me.”
- Elayne Boosler |
“Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up
children; now I have six children and no theories.”
-John
Wilmot
|
“I don't think anyone should write their autobiography
until after they're dead.”
- Samuel Goldwyn |
“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was
sixty-five I still had pimples.”
- George Burns |
“I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the
exterminator.”
- Emo Philips |
“I don't have a bank account because I don't know my
mother's maiden name.”
- Paula Poundstone |
